Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I laid my tired head down on my pillow & saw the most terrifying thing I could possibly imagine:
On my dresser.
Across the room.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“Kids, I found a campsite!”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room