@GodfreyElfwick

Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.

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@Darlainky

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

@MissHavisham

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.

@steeve_again

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

@causticbob

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

@ramblinma

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

@TuffyNyC

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

@ThugRaccoons

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

@anon_mommy

Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass