Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.

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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.


[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello


I laid my tired head down on my pillow & saw the most terrifying thing I could possibly imagine:
My phone.
On my dresser.
Across the room.


Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!


[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns


At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.


“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”


The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room