Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.