Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
President The Rock Obama
I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.