Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.