Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
You Might Also Like
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
there’s probably a fee though
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.