Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

*watches the world burn*

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Dear Lord..

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?