Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
HERE’S MARKY
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
