Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

My birth announcement for our third baby

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

Don’t forget to tip your server

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone