Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.