Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.