Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

But I really needed water water water

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?