Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
True dat! 😂😂😂😂