Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help