Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

It be like that sometimes 😆

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

the official breakfast of 2021

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Voodoo map

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

Now this is how you LinkedIn

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.