Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
You Might Also Like
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Not messing around
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.