Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
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My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
they really do be looking like this
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.