Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.