Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
You Might Also Like
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
THE DOG😭😭💀
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂