Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

grandpa was shocked

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

I will never stop laughing at this

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?