Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
You Might Also Like
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
it’s finally my moment to shine
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Dolls on drugs
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good