Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Left at a local drug store…

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Saturday

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it