Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.