Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
this country is so goddamn polarized
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea