Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

Holy moly

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.