Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long