Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

😭🤣

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

scares

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.