Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Mornin
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?