Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
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Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
doing some research
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
They’re the worst 😩
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.