Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
What if all the cashiers are married?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.