Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Bruh
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Sunday
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car