Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

WHY?!

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?