**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
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4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.