Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

become ungovernable

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

how DARE

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

I am never leaving this website

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.