[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep