Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.