Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️