Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff