Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
You got this…
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You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense