Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.