[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!