I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.