fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
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Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
😎 🍻
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong