Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
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[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
marvel comics have peaked
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: