Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The news is so predictable nowadays
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.