Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

I think I’m gonna be sick

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.