Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I went from rags to one rag.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way