Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.