Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Unmatched
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
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Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?