Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Sponch

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.