Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Best spoiler warning ever

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

The internet is magic sometimes.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.