Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.