Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.