Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
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I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]