Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
A roof is a house hat.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof