Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
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My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.