Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.