Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

Weirdly Wednesday.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”