Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
there’s music for literally every activity
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”