Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…

Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

i was baptized in a car wash

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?