Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

*exercises sarcastically*

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]