Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.