[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.