@Marlebean

{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*

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@tracietom

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

@bouncerface

Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.

@AlexRogaski

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

@BrierBrisk

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

@rickolantern

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

@leakypod

me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out

hitman:

me:

hitman: is this ur garbage

@lisaxy424

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare

@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.