{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*

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Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.


BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.


Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.


[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?


[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*


If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.


me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out



hitman: is this ur garbage


When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.


that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare


Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.