Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

🤝

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business