[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner