Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire