Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Ugh

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

So the ex texted me

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul