[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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Worlds greatest photobomb
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet