Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.