Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*