Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

scares

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.