Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?