Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?