Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”