Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.