Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this the real life?
Is this just

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

But is it really??

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”