Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Clients after you give them your rates

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing