Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

Just me?

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will