Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

kids play hide and seek like

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*