Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*