Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

Yup!

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

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The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.