She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.