@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

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@KeiLunMusic

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

@MandiAtRandom

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

@x_freckles_o

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

@kirstenteigg

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

@qwertying

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.

*wife phones*

Wife: What you doing?

Husband: Missing you.

@ravenswng_

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

@Jamberee13

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

@iAmDelFreaky

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.