Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.