Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

broke down and did it

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…